


Sanguis in Manibus Earum

by Hellionesque



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Anime continuity even though Mari is mentioned at one point, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lots of bad things happen to Kaworu, M/M, Mentions of Past Physical/Mental/Sexual Abuse, Misato is kind of a jerk, Panic Attacks, Past Cannibalism, Past Child Abuse, Past Torture, Self-Harm, Shinji kicks in a door, Smoking, Takes place post-canon, non-sexual nudity, wound care
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 06:43:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15835884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellionesque/pseuds/Hellionesque
Summary: Kaworu tries to hide his trauma, but it all comes out eventually. Shinji tries to help, but he can only do so much.





	Sanguis in Manibus Earum

**Author's Note:**

> READ THE TAGS/WARNINGS. SERIOUSLY.
> 
> After working on this for about a year and a half, here you go. PLEASE tell me if you find any mistakes or inconsistencies, which I will fix promptly.

There was something wrong. Something very, very wrong.

 

Shinji had been out all day, idly chatting with Asuka as they walked around the town, meeting up with her girlfriend Mari and spending time out longer than he anticipated. He occasionally sent out texts to Kaworu, who had decided to stay in that day, saying something about not feeling too well. Shinji had brushed it off as Kaworu’s typically introverted behaviors. That was, however, until he realized that the other hadn't replied to any of his texts.

 

Not that Shinji  _ needed  _ him to, anyways. It was just bizarre since he always seems to text him back. Shinji might even say that the other texts him too much, due the times where his phone buzzed at extremely inopportune moments. Shinji once again shakes off the nagging feeling that was tugging something deep inside of him.  _ He's just resting,  _ his mind supplies. The slight sweat of his palms says otherwise, however.

 

The Sun was setting when the three all said their goodbyes, going their separate ways. Once he's sure the other two are gone he pulls out his phone, checking his messages, only to see that none had been sent back yet. He stares, another hot shiver going down his back. Shinji knows it might just be his anxiety kicking in, so he calls the other.

 

The dial tone buzzes on the other end of the line. Shinji swallows thickly as it beeps again and again in his ear. His heart stutters when he hears the cheerful voice of his boyfriend.

 

“Hello! You've reached the inbox of Kaworu Nagisa. Thank you for calling me, but please leave a message, and I'll call you back so-”

 

Shinji hangs up. The sweating in his palms turns heavy. He’s never once caught Kaworu’s voicemail, not even in the dead of night. A cold stab of fear shoves its way through his lower back.

 

_ There was something wrong. _

 

Shinji doesn’t think he's run faster in his entire life, breath coming hard and fast as he bolts down the street where his house resides. He thanks the powers that be that the place he had meet Asuka at was only a short walk from where he lived, his eyes catching the glimmer of the dwindling sunlight in the front windows of the house.

 

A wave of fear washes over him as he steps up to the door, Shinji momentarily fumbling with his keyring before unlocking it. The first thing he notices is the musty, stale scent of the air as he shuts the door behind him, as if the air conditioner hadn’t run despite the sweltering heat of the day. The darkness only seemed to make the world around him hotter.

 

His whole body freezes up once he hears movement in the dark. As his eyes start to adjust, he finally makes his first movement into the unknown.

 

“Ka-... Kaworu…?” Shinji’s throat starts to tighten as he stumbles forwards, not even caring to take off his shoes.

 

Another dry thump followed with the sound of scraping resonates through the dark room, drawing Shinji’s eyes down to the furthest corner where the shadows were thickest. Shinji takes a step back, placing his shaking hand on the plastic lightswitch next to the door. “K-Kawo… Kawor-ru, y-you're scaring me.” He murmurs, voice small and tight. The sharp sound of nails against drywall is all that answers. Shinji steels himself and, before he can regret it, he flips the lightswitch.

 

The floor lurches out from under him. “O-oh my  _ God-! _ ”

 

Kaworu sits naked in the fetal position, staring at mess on the wall in front of him. Sharp, red streaks glimmer in the half light of the room, wild patterns seeming to grow out from his position. His entire upper and middle back as well as what looked to be his arms and thighs were covered in scratches that were obviously self caused, they dribbling lazily down his body and down into small puddles on the carpet.

 

Kaworu turns to look at him, the grim and feral expression on his face contrasting the shock of fresh, red blood wiped against the wall in front of him. Shinji fought the urge to scream as he grips a hand hard over his mouth.

 

He throws himself forward, tossing caution to the wind. “Kaworu!” He shouts, reaching out, only for a sharp, hard punch to be delivered straight to his left shoulder. He reels back, brain only registering the pain and the fact that Kaworu had whipped around, back now pressed to the corner as he slid up the wall, leaving new marks in his wake. Kaworu’s fist was clenched and shaking, while the other presses over his neck, the full extent of his skin damage being suddenly visible with the red scratches that cover his stomach and his extremities, mixed with minor bite wounds to his lower arms and calves.

 

Shinji gulps back a sob while gripping his shoulder, pain blooming from there as well as his heart. Kaworu had never, ever hurt him before, and if he wasn't terrified before, he is now. “P-please… K-Kaworu… wh-wha- ah!” Shinji’s grip tightens around his shoulder as another needle of pain shoots through it, “Wh… what… happened?”

 

Kaworu doesn't answer. He turns and bolts before the other can even realize it, the sound of a door slamming shut rattling the house after only a few seconds. Shinji turns and tries to go after him, wincing as the pain in his shoulder only gets worse. He turns down the hall to see the bathroom door shut, visible light filtering from under it as he gets closer.

 

Shinji slams the fist of his uninjured arm against the locked door, tears now freely pouring from his eyes. God, he was scared, terrified even, as he remembers those wounds again, the fear that Kaworu might be hurting himself even more tearing through him as a burst of adrenaline shoots into his heart. He takes a full step back, breathing hard as he raises a leg and kicks the door in with a sharp snap of the doorframe splintering inwards, the door swinging into the wall behind it.

 

_ “Kaworu!”  _ He nearly shrieks, running in and nearly grabbing the other man that was now pressed hard against the back wall of the bathroom, arms crossed over his face.

 

“D-don't hurt me!” Kaworu screams right back, stopping Shinji dead in his tracks, “I-I’m sorry, s-so sorr-ry, I'll be b-bett-er, don't… h-hit me… I p-promise I won'-t fight anym-more, d-don't hurt me again…”

 

Shinji’s heart drops into his stomach, nearly cracking entirely. Kaworu continues to babble before breaking off into nonsensical sobs, his entire body nearly shaking itself apart. Shinji looks down at his clenched fists and…  _ oh, God… Kaworu wasn't thinking that I would hit him, would he?  _ powers straight through him. “K-Kaworu, please- y-you're safe. I wouldn't hurt you, I’d never even th-think of it…” He kneels down in front of him, trying to keep his voice as soft as he can with the adrenaline still pounding through him. He slowly raises a shaking hand, reaching gently towards him.

 

Shinji hears him whimper as his hand touches one of his bare shoulders, drawing up from his neck all the way to the side of his face, fingers threading through his hair. “Could you… please look at me?” Shinji breathes out, hearing the other let out another whimper. Kaworu shakily brings down his arms from his face, eyes dark and shameful and his bottom lip pulled underneath his teeth. He was still shaking, but not as much as he first was, breaths coming out in gentle puffs.

 

“Can you try and stand…?” Shinji starts to ease the other into it, his hand coming away from his face and reaching down to softly rest on Kaworu’s, mindful of the dark red mess that still drenches his fingertips and palm. The Angel glances down before twisting his palm around and gripping Shinji's, trying not to mark up his hands with his bloody fingers and failing miserably. Shinji stands up and leads the other up with him, making sure to keep his grip firm in case he falls.

 

“Do you need me to clean you off?” Shinji starts, bringing up a hand to rest on the side of Kaworu’s ribcage. Kaworu doesn't respond at first, turning his head down and biting back a soft noise, more fresh tears pouring weakly down the slight curve of his face.

 

“I-I’m sorry…” Kaworu starts mumbling again, eyes going glassy. Shinji instantly brings his hand back up from his torso to cradle the side of his face, wiping the tears from his skin.

 

“It's okay, you're okay… you don't need to apologize, th-this isn't your fault.”

 

Kaworu mumbles something under his breath before closing his eyes, letting out another choking sob. Shinji barely speaks before he repeats himself. “Y-yes, it's my fault. I hurt… I-I hurt-t… myself.”

 

“N-no, Kaworu, it-” Shinji cuts off as he feels the Angel’s head drop onto his hurt shoulder, a bolt of pain shooting through him, “-fuck!”

 

Kaworu jumps back, nearly falling again but still holding on tightly to his hand. “And I-I hurt you! I don't deserve th-this, I don't deserve you-your kindness, and I have _n-never deserved_ _y-yo-u_ -” Shinji was shocked into pure silence, not even daring to breathe, “-I am a _monster._ ”

 

Shinji feels as if the ground has given out from below him, the coldness in his limbs solidifying into ice. “K-Kaworu, please… I l-love you. I have a-always loved you. Y-you stayed by my side even when I hated everyone, when I hated myself most of all. You're the most incredible  _ person _ I-I've ever met, no matter if you're human or not,” Shinji manages to say in the strongest voice he can, despite nearly bursting with tears, “Y-you've stayed with me when everyone else left me behind. I need you, I know I do.”

 

Kaworu’s expression slowly softens at his words, finally meeting his eyes and slowly nodding.

 

Shinji softly hums as he draws the other in closer, Kaworu leaning forwards so that his head was bowed against his neck. Shinji pours himself over the Angel, kissing him gently over and over again across his forehead and temples, pressing his face against his hair.

 

They stand like that for a while, until Shinji finally speaks. “I'm going to let you go now, okay?” He whispers right next to his ear. Kaworu slowly nods, letting Shinji move back while still keeping a firm grip on his shirt. “If you could start up the water, I-I'll go grab a few towels and the first aid kit.” Shinji looks at him, watching closely as he nods again.

 

Kaworu unfurls his fingers from the front of his shirt, still watching the ground. Thankfully he appeared to be shaking less and wasn't hyperventilating, though the colour of his face was sallow and washed out, dark purple veins being visible under the skin of his neck being joined by blooming bruises, as if he had tried to choke himself.

 

Shinji steps back, giving Kaworu a final once over before walking back out through the bathroom door, across the carpeted hallway and into their bedroom. Though some of the tension leaves his body when he hears the shower start up, he was still very much on edge. He grabs an armful of some older looking towels and the first aid kit from the closet, hurrying back to the bathroom once he was sure he had gotten everything.

 

Kaworu was back to sitting on the floor near the bathtub, watching the showerhead pour against the pale porcelain. As he puts the towels down on the vanity, he continues to watch Kaworu's body language, noting how he rose his legs up against his chest and nestled is chin between his knees, his arms crossed over the lower half of his face as if to hide himself.

 

“Kaworu,” Shinji manages to call in the softest voice he could, not wanting to startle the man into running away again. Kaworu doesn't respond, doesn't even turn, only flinching as if someone had shouted at him. Shinji slowly walks up behind him, crouching down to his level to get a better look at the scratches on his back where the damage seemed to be the worst.

 

Surprisingly, it appeared that Kaworu had only torn through the upper layers of skin, the wounds seeming a lot less worse than he had expected them to be. However, they were wounds nonetheless and needed to be dealt with.

 

“I'm going to help you up now, okay?” Shinji says in the same gentle voice, Kaworu twitching again and still not bearing to looking at him. He reaches out and settles his hand on the Angel’s shoulder, where he once again jerks away like someone had hit him. Shinji pulls his hand back quickly as Kaworu stands up, still not looking at him.

 

“Y-you don't…” Kaworu grits out, voice heavy and torn up. His entire body was seemingly weighed down, shoulders sagged and head held low. Shinji stands up behind him, so badly wanting to reach out and comfort the love of his life… but, he refrains.

 

Kaworu steps into the shower, putting his head against the back wall as if he was trying to disappear, the only thing truly sticking out being the varied wounds across his body. The bleeding had thankfully mostly stopped by then, and the excess blood that had yet to congeal into rough approximations of scabs was beginning to wash down the drain with the rest of the water.

 

Shinji steps up closer, fiddling with the edges of his already ruined shirt. “Would it be okay if I came in with you?” He murmurs, and Kaworu presses further into the wall. As soon as Shinji hears a gentle affirmative, he pulls off his clothes and grabs one of the towels from the vanity, stepping in after Kaworu and sliding the curtain closed. Kaworu still hadn't moved, the only difference being that his breathing had slowed considerably and that his body seemed a lot more… open? Shinji couldn't quite describe it, and he finally steps closer to the Angel because of it. “I, uh… y-you don't have to tell me what happened right now, if you don't want to. I mean- you can if you do, but if you're in pain, I-I want to… need to help you get through this.” Shinji reaches out and runs his hand along his ribs, feeling the fear through his fingers, and finally leans closer and kisses him on the back of his neck.

 

Kaworu flinches again, but this time he begins to sob out loud with helpless, resounding noises. Shinji keeps close, wrapping his arms around Kaworu's chest as he begins to cry himself, tears mixing with the spray of water cascading over the both of them; he almost feels peaceful now that he felt like he was almost sharing the strain of his lover’s sorrow, a pain settling in his heart that filled him with fear and dread, but also the solace of resignation and understanding. Shinji tightens his arms around Kaworu's body every time a weighted shiver falls over him, keeping him stable and upright if he feels his legs shaking, if he swears that the others body might just give out from under him. Things eventually settle again, and Kaworu stands freely before him, back turned and arms crossed over his stomach.

 

Shinji works the towel over his wounds, thankful that he had chosen one of the older ones that were already threadbared. He's careful to notice when Kaworu flinches or starts to shiver again, making sure to place a hand against undamaged skin to assure him that he was still there, and wasn't going to leave any time soon. Once he gives him a complete wash, he turns off the water and guides them both over to the sink.

 

“This part might sting, but we need to do it so you won't get an infection or anything. I know you heal really fast, but… I just want to help you. Alright?” Shinji glances at Kaworu who was drying himself off, opening the first aid kit and pulling out a couple bandage rolls he had gotten just recently, as well as a bottle of disinfectant. Kaworu nods, red eyes fixed to the floor.

 

The process was surprisingly similar to how he had washed him down in the shower, Shinji meticulously pouring the disinfectant on cotton pads and wiping them across the scratches that littered his whole body while at the same time careful to not cause him much pain. Kaworu definitely winced once or twice, but never tried to force him away or run. Once the final bandage was in place, Kaworu finally looks him in the eyes.

 

“I'm… I'm sorry you needed to take care of me,” Kaworu whispers, his eyes shifting from Shinji’s just as soon as they had finally met each other's gazes. He idly smooths his hands up and down his arms, unconsciously picking at the bandages.

 

Shinji reaches out and puts his hands on Kaworu's, stopping his fidgeting. “It's what I'm here for, Kaworu. Anything to make you more comfortable isn't a chore to me.” Shinji threads their fingers together, pressing his fingers between his bruised knuckles.

 

Kaworu starts saying something, but doesn't quite finish his words. Instead, he looks down to their joined hands just long enough for Shinji to lean in and press his lips to the soft skin of his cheek, he stepping back to lead them to their bedroom to get dressed.

 

Once Kaworu was sitting safely on their bed, Shinji shuffles through some of their older clothes before picking out a dark shirt and a pair of calf-length sleep pants for Kaworu, as well as a huge beige shirt and a pair of sweatpants for himself. He offers them to Kaworu, who takes them and attempts to put them on without messing with the carefully applied bandages. Shinji smiles gratefully before putting on his own clothes with the same amount of difficulty due to his shoulder, which was now dark with a deep red bruise.

 

Shinji is about to pull on his shirt when two arms wrap around his chest and a warm breath brushes over his neck. Dropping the shirt on the bed, he turns his head and places his hands over the back of Kaworu's, concern fueling his movements as he feels him trembling again. 

 

“Kaworu?”

 

“Shin. I love you,” Kaworu murmurs, resting his forehead on Shinji's neck, “and I'm sorry you had to see me like this. I know you said before that I didn't have to apologize, but I'm still…” His voice cracks a little, and Shinji's shoulders slump, “… sorry.”

 

“Kaworu.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I love you too,” Shinji drops his head forwards, pulling one of Kaworu’s hands up to kiss his bandaged knuckles, managing to wiggle out of Kaworu’s grip long enough to wrap his arms around him as well. He smiles as he hears the other breathe a weak laugh against his neck, his palm sliding down to rest on Kaworu’s lower back as he leans up and whispers in his ear, “Could you bring your legs up around my waist?”

 

Kaworu leans back to give him a suspicious and vaguely scared look, “Are you sure…? I-… don’t think I’m alright with intimate activities right now, but if you request it of me-“

 

“No, no, nothing like that. Just- trust me?” Shinji gives him a soft smile, raising his other hand to place on his cheek. Kaworu glances away quickly, chewing on the inside of his cheek anxiously as he obeys Shinji’s command, wrapping his arms around his neck. Shinji quickly puts an arm under his thighs and the other behind his back, holding him close to the curve of his body. “Better?”

 

Kaworu hums softly, putting his chin on his crossed arms. “You’re stronger than you look, even with your shoulder…” He glances down to the bloom of colour, uncurling one of his arms to gently rest a hand on its surface. Shinji winces on impulse but doesn’t say anything, instead starting his trek towards the living room.

 

It takes a little work, but eventually Kaworu was safely on the couch with his knees tucked up to his chest, and Shinji was quietly surveying the daunting mess that covered the carpet and wall. “So… is it okay if I go outside for a second? I need to talk to Misato about giving us some time off…”

 

“Oh-“ Kaworu says, sitting up, “Oh, Shinji, you don’t need to do that. I’m alright- I’m-“

 

“Kaworu,” Shinji looks back at him, cutting him off with a gentle voice, “We both know you aren’t alright.”

 

Kaworu looks at him helplessly, curling in on himself more. “Sorry.”

 

Shinji walks over to him, kneeling to be eye level with him. “Hey, it’s okay. All we’d be doing at NERV is routine tests anyways. You need this time to heal, and I want to be here with you.”

 

There’s a few seconds where Kaworu almost seems to blank, eyes glazing as he nods. Shinji smiles and leans up to kiss his forehead, standing up and taking his phone off of the counter before walking out the front door.

 

It was night now, the air heavy and hot like a humid smog as the crickets shriek, cold orange streetlights being the only reference of movement as Shinji fidgets idly with his phone, going into his contacts and selecting a name.

 

“ _ Shinji _ ?”

 

Shinji instinctively winces at the urgency in Misato’s voice. “Hey.”

 

“ _ What’s wrong? Hold on, I- _ ” There’s a slight shuffling on the other side of the line, before her voice chimes back in. “ _ Sorry, I was in a meeting. What happened? _ ”

 

“Listen, it’s… it’s nothing serious,” Shinji rests a palm against his forehead, “I was just wondering if Kaworu and I could have a week or two off from coming in.”

 

“ _ … Shinji, you do know this is my emergency number, right? Monthly testing starts tomorrow, and I’m really bogged down with work. You can’t call just because you need a vacation or whatever you two are doing- _ “

 

“Misato, I know that. Just… something happened today. I’m not sure Kaworu is entirely alright,“ Shinji murmurs into the receiver, taking his palm from his forehead and sitting down on the porch. “I’m kind of scared, and… I just want to be with him to help him recover.”

 

“ _ Are you okay? Do I need to call someone to come over? _ ” The urgency comes back into her voice, and he can tell that she’s pacing. She’s never trusted Kaworu, not for a second, and now was no different.

 

“No, Misato. He’s fine now. I’m not sure if he had a severe depressive episode or a panic attack, but… it’s almost like he didn’t know who I was,” Shinji focuses on the world in front of him, details failing, “When I got back today he had hurt himself and he ran from me when I tried to help. He’s stable now, but for a second there I wasn’t sure.”

 

“ _ Is he not taking his meds or something? _ ” 

 

Shinji cringes, mentally squeezing back the urge to say something he knew he would regret, “I… don’t actually know. I didn’t see him take them this morning, but that’s because he stayed in bed.”

 

“ _ Well… _ ” Shinji hears her sigh, “ _ I have to get back to the meeting. I’ll make a point to tell Ritsuko that you two won’t be in tomorrow. Check in with me later? _ ”

 

“Okay… thanks for understanding.”

 

“ _ It’s fine, _ ” By the annoyed tone in her voice, he can tell it isn’t. “ _ Call me if anything happens, and I’ll be over as soon as I can. Bye. _ ”

 

And she hangs up. Shinji drops his phone onto the concrete, his whole body slumping as groan echoes from behind his teeth, berating himself, wondering why he had even bothered to call her. Inhaling deeply to capture as much fresh air as he could, he tries to force the anger out of his body as he exhales roughly.

 

The air wasn’t clean. Shinji knew the scent, wondering how he had missed it as he turns his head to look to the side of the front doorstep, his eyes catching the faint glimmer of the ashtray that he thought Kaworu had gotten rid of once he had kicked his smoking habit. Hidden under a thick cloak of leaves by a low bush, Shinji reaches down and picks it up, ash trickling over the edges. Crushed orange and white paper rests in the near overflowing ceramic dish, smoldering noxiously. He stares at it for a good long while, the scent burning his eyes and nose until he can no longer bear to look at it. Placing it back into the bushes, he carefully picks up his phone and goes back inside, his anger quelled.

 

Shutting the door softly behind him, Shinji walks over to the couch and sits by Kaworu’s feet, careful not to touch him, slowly drawing his eyes upwards until he sees his face. His eyes were distant and wavering, focusing on something and nothing all at once and reacting to it the same, his mouth a flat, dry line. They finally trace their way over to Shinji, making eye contact for a split second before looking away in a slow, halting way, as if he hadn’t even noticed.

 

Shinji continues to look at him, biting his bottom lip. “Kaworu,” He manages, voice ripped apart as he tries to hold his composure, to appear strong when he feels himself tearing at the seams again, “She said it was-“

 

Kaworu cuts him off sharply, shutting his eyes. “I know. I heard,” Sitting up, he lowers his head as his eyes scrunch tightly, “She thought I hurt you, didn’t she?” Shinji stays quiet, his body motionless as Kaworu’s shakes and his breathing growls from his throat in angry huffs.

 

“I told her we were fine, Kaworu.” Shinji tries to soothe him again, moving to gently run his hands over his shoulders. Kaworu starts to jerk away from his touch, seemingly startled by the comfort Shinji was providing despite snapping at him. With a long, tense sigh, he leans back into his touch and focuses on the slow pattern, his muscles unwinding and brow relaxing.

 

Shinji watches his eyes open and look up to him, “You know why she’s scared of me?” It comes out as a question, despite the apparent rhetorical nature of it.

 

“I… have a pretty good understanding, I think.” Shinji cups his hands under Kaworu’s jaw, still listening. He knew about Misato’s past and her involvement in the Second Impact, as well as Kaworu’s role in it all, but something felt off.

 

Kaworu closes his eyes again, his mouth twitching into a grimacing frown. “It’s because she knows I’m afraid of her. I’m certain that if she had the chance, she’d make sure that I’d never see the light of day again.” He flexes his hands repetitively, opening his eyes. “Shinji?”

 

“… Yeah?” Shinji brings his hands down to Kaworu’s, resting their hands together.

 

“Did I ever tell you about my past? Before we ever met when I was… you know, when you didn’t know me?” Shinji gives him a skeptical look, slowly shaking his head. “I’d like to tell you. It’s… it’s a long, difficult story for me, but it has to do with what happened today. I don’t want you to feel burdened with having to listening to my past, and I don’t want to scare you, so… if you don’t want to listen to me, please say so now.”

 

Shinji tilts his head. “Kaworu… if it’s what you want to do, then please tell me. I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”

 

Kaworu stares at him for a few seconds, almost as if to weigh his truth, before something in his body language changes. His pupils shrink to tight, sharp pinholes surrounded by thick rings of blood red mire that suddenly swirl with anger, as raw as the choke marks around his neck. His expression changes, too, but Shinji is too caught up in the absolute rage bubbling up inside those dry, reddened orbs that he doesn’t even notice.

 

“I wasn’t born like a person. You’ve heard the horrors of Second Impact enough to know the cause and aftermath of my birth. The first thing I remember was… red water, I think. The taste of the ocean in my lungs. As Adam awoke, the ocean turned into a bleeding, open womb of LCL and amniotic fluid, birthing itself and me in the same instant. I remember feeling loss as his body dissipated and his soul crowded into my body. I was only a newborn but I knew everything I’d ever need to. I floated in that ocean for a very long time, nurtured by the wasteland of nutrients around me and becoming more and more aware…

 

“It was a month or so later when SEELE came back. They were in massive battleships. The feeling of loss I felt when I was taken from the ocean was equal to that of losing my whole family. I cried for the first time with the shrill voice of an infant, though no one around me seemed to care. There were men and women alike around the net they used to pull me in, all in lab coats with unfeeling faces. It was like I was some sort of animal to them, and looking back on it…” Kaworu pauses to look down at his hands, “Maybe I was lesser than that in their eyes. If I were an animal, they would have fed me regularly and taken care of me. But I wasn’t.

 

“I was put into a sealed cell almost immediately. They never took me out once for the entire sail home, and the only people I ever saw when I looked up through the window were armed guards. When they did get back to the mainland I was surprised I was still alive. My whole body felt empty and it felt like I hadn’t moved in days, but the energy from my S2 engine kept me alive at the bare minimum between life and death. They moved me into a compound somewhere along the coast of Germany, which I only gleaned from the unclassified logs that NERV had after they got publicized.

 

“I was kept in a cage, or at least something along the lines of it. It was clear plastic box, like the kind they put premature babies in, always warm. The only reason I can remember specifics was because I was on an IV nutrient drip, so I was a little more aware. It was almost a comfort that I was being taken care of, and if I closed my eyes and focused hard enough, I could almost see myself back in the ocean with my siblings. Sadly, these times were few and far between. The scientists kept taking samples of my blood and tissue, and the pain was enough to make me cry like a normal child would. I could see some of their faces, and I knew from the moment that I saw malice in their features that they wouldn’t hesitate to shut me up, once and for all.” Kaworu clenches his fists like he was crushing something, shaking as he mouths his words over and over again.

 

Shinji gently reaches out and hugs him, burying his face in Kaworu’s shoulder and running his hands over his back. With the untrusting emotions running through him, Kaworu almost shoves him away as he raises his hands to lie on his chest, his breathing picking up and he feels the warmth that Shinji was radiating. He wraps his arms around him instead, crawling into his lap and curling his legs around his lower back, shaking his head.

 

“I didn’t have a chance to fight,” Kaworu starts again, resting his mouth against Shinji’s neck, “because as soon as I could, they’d already broken me. When I was maybe four, they let me out of the box and into a different one. It was a tiny cell no larger than a closet, but it was clean and had a small cot to sleep, so I was happy. It was dark most of the time since there weren’t any lights, but the door had a window in it that allowed the fluorescent light from outside to come in.

 

“They finally left me alone after that. Rarely, a person would come in to take samples or do menial tests, but that was it. I didn’t know how to talk, and I barely had any muscle mass to walk, so I just lied down and slept for most of the day. I thought a lot about how I could get out, or if it even was an option. Everything I had was baseline, feral emotions, and I didn’t know who or what I was. Now that I look back on it, I understand, but then… I had no one to blame other than myself.

 

“It all changed when I turned eight. I began to remember things that I hadn’t done, placed that I’d never been… people. I remembered myself and I knew what I was, as well as my capabilities. I knew who was keeping me there and understood their intentions. Above everything, I was angry. The power inside me that had been trapped was starting to show, and the next time someone came in, I tore them to pieces. I was put somewhere else, shackled and powerless, but I was still so…  _ angry _ . The next time I was alone, I thought for a long time, trying to remember more and think of some way to escape. But I…” Kaworu gulps and tightens his arms around Shinji, “I had nothing to fight for. I was greedy and self-centered and didn’t care if people got caught in the crossfire. If I had kept on that path, I would have become just like the other Angels.

 

“But I didn’t. Because, as I remembered more and more, I had something to live for.” Kaworu pauses again, leaning back as he looks intensely into Shinji’s eyes, “Because I remembered you. I remembered the love, the kindness you showed me, the warmth of your smile, the way you helped me decide that I needed to reject my destructive nature and love humanity despite your flaws.” He leans in closer, eyes shutting slightly, “I remembered how you made me feel human when I was everything other than that.”

 

They were both teary at this point, the power in his words moving them as Shinji leans forwards and kisses him, shutting his eyes tight as Kaworu leans into him. It only lasts for a second before they part, eyes still closed but foreheads touching. “For the first time in this lifetime, I felt hope, and for the next six years I would need it. This next part is… it's hard to remember, and even harder to recite. But, I’m… Shinji?”

 

“Y-yes?”

 

“I want to… to try. This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone, and I don’t know how it’ll affect me. I just want you to be prepared…”

 

“Kaworu,” Shinji cups the side of his face and kisses over his cheeks, his other hand resting softly in his hair, “Everything is okay, I’m here and I love you and I’ll never leave you,  _ ever _ .”

 

Kaworu glances away, chewing his bottom lip before leaning down to rub his head against Shinji’s shoulder, eyes shut tight. “I d-don’t know why, but even now…” He grips Shinji’s back a bit harder, holding him close, “I’m scared that you’ll leave if I tell you.”

 

Shinji feels his heart stutter a bit as he breathes into Kaworu’s hair, his own grip on the man in his arms tightening. “Kaworu, there’s nothing, and I mean  _ nothing _ , that will keep me from loving you. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere without you by my side.”

 

Even though he was shaking his head, his eyes pinned shut, Kaworu continues.

 

“Now that they knew that I was aware of my power, they needed to control me to keep me from rebelling. They… th-they used fear and constant abuse to keep me down. Whether it was unethical experiments, live vivisections, lobotomies, o-or just plain abuse that was any mix of physical violence, mental stress, or… sexual violation. It was like s-some sort of sick, sick game to them, to see who c-could break me the fastest.

 

“My- My heart stopped more times than I could count, my body was exsanguinated, burned past recognition, reduced to nothing but necessary organs to see how long I’d last. Wounds were opened as they were about to heal, limbs were removed to see how fast they’d grow back. Th-the list goes on, and it never stopped, not  _ once _ for six years of my life.”

 

Kaworu sounded like he was choking, his breaths coming out hard and wet as he finally lets out gags and sobs, his head lowering to press against Shinji’s chest as he loses it, his wails turning deep and long. Shinji squeezes him tighter, gritting his teeth as he imagines what those people did to him.

 

“Six years, Sh-Shinji, six  _ fucking _ years! I couldn’t d-do anything, I c-couldn’t even sleep, let alone eat or drink!” Kaworu fists his hands against Shinji’s back, his breathing uneven and broken up by low, bubbling growls from deep in his chest, “B-But when I-I broke my chains- oh  _ God _ did I sh-show them. Their  _ operatives _ \- those fucking v-vultures, came in to use me as- as ‘stress relief’ sometimes, and I-I mutilated them, a-all fifteen of those monsters,” Shinji looks over at him, eyes widening as he sees Kaworu biting his fingers, drawing blood, “I-I was so h-ungry, I l-licked their blood-d off the walls, ripped them open and- and devoured them. I- ch-chewed their-their bones until all my teeth sh-shattered, and a-after that I r-ripped my own tongue out b-bec-cause I couldn’t stand th-the taste of them. I did that,  _ I _ did, me,  _ me- _ “

 

“K-Kaworu, oh my  _ God- _ “ Shinji felt sick to his stomach, pulling back as Kaworu crawls off of him, scrambling to the other side of the couch with one hand over his mouth and the other over his stomach, his fingers digging into the bandages as spots of blood soak through them. Kaworu looked like he was going to pass out, his eyes foggy and breath slowing as he keels forwards.

 

“K-Kaworu… I’m…” Shinji takes a deep breath to calm his churning stomach, “I’m s-so…  _ sorry _ . Please, please stop- y-you’re hurting yourself, a-and- I’m-“ He chokes when he sees Kaworu’s bleeding fingertips scratching against his own neck, the skin red as if inflamed with a rash. Shinji slowly reaches up and takes Kaworu’s hand in his own, squeezing it tightly, “I’m  _ scared _ .”

 

Kaworu turns his eyes up to look at Shinji, misery sloughing from his expression as he relents, letting Shinji pull his hands away from his neck with a defeated whine, weakly reaching out to pull Shinji close. He buries his face in his hair, choking out apologies and prayers and curses alike.

 

It hits Shinji all at once. An image flashes past his vision for barely a moment, blinding and paralyzing him as it sinks in-

 

The cocophanus noise of fifteen screaming voices, their fists beating against the door that had been sealed shut behind them by an unholy force, by a horrible being of hate and anguish and pure, unfiltered rage. The beast that had broken it’s bonds, rising on thin, skinless legs that buckle under its meager weight. It- no, not it… he. Tabris. Kaworu. They don’t see much more as he was upon them, skinning, burning, scalping, amputating, devouring, and each one feels every last ounce of pain as he shreds them to pieces.

 

A room, filled with open, raw bodies. People, split open like slaughtered cattle, their suits slashed with near surgical precision despite the long, ragged gashes that litter their lifeless forms. And among them, a child. A child whose body still glowed with energy, a child with skin made of molten metal, a child that had just massacred a room full of people, but most of all,  _ a child _ . The exposed latticework of a regenerating arm, thick swaths of unrecognizable, ossified skin formed in an attempt to protect himself, a wide, rotted-toothed mouth, torn at the edges as he shovels handful after handful of detrital gore into it. He turns, eyes flashing, when-

 

Kaworu’s destroyed body. His flesh gouged and burned and flayed until all that was left was grizzle and brittle, sickly bones. His eye wide and sightless, completely blank and devoid of feeling. Each and every organ completely destroyed, the leftover fluids that hadn’t been boiled away mixing with other unnameable substances that pool around him. But, worst of all, the most chilling and endlessly scarring sight-

 

Kaworu was breathing. He was still alive, he could still feel each and every cut and burn, his nerves lit up like a wildfire as he experiences true agony. This was not the first time he knew this unbearable suffering. This was not the last, either. Something cries out, his shattered hand reaching for something,  _ anything _ , when another burning wave flashes over him, cooking him alive as his S2 engine keeps him awake, keeps him aware of every last mutilation, every last defilement, every last molestation at the hands of his captors.

 

Shinji sits there, stock still. Every muscle in his body is tensed, a flash of pure and unfiltered trauma shoved into him as something between them connects, syncing in the deepest sense of the word. He pulls back, entirely unbelieving as he looks Kaworu in the eyes, the same ones he just watched rupture under the extreme heat of whatever SEELE had put him through.

 

“Why?” Is all Shinji can say, his voice past broken as Kaworu just looks back at him with those wide, dead eyes.

 

Kaworu shakes his head as he grips Shinji as tightly as possible, the circulation in his fingers completely cut off.

 

“I… d-don’t  _ know _ .”

  
  
  


The world is a blur after that. Shinji remembers screaming, whether out of fear or anger he can’t quite tell. He remembers a long period of silence, the darkness, the tears shed, the trauma shared.

 

When he wakes up, his mind can’t exactly catch up to anything quite yet. He knows he’s in bed, even though he doesn’t remember getting up to go back to the room. A warmth is nestled at his side and is partially on top of him, two bandaged hands curled against his skin as long, slow breaths rush over his stomach. It was dark, but he could still see the outline of messy, silver hair through it.

 

Shinji tries to speak, tries to move so that he could wake Kaworu up and ask  _ what happened? _ , but he can’t move at all. It’s almost as if his body was asleep, but his mind was completely aware.

 

“It… it wasn’t always like that, though,” Kaworu speaks into the dark, raising his head to nestle against the shirt Shinji was wearing, “Because I got out. Because they let me out… SEELE thought that I was so irreparably broken that I was brainwashed into following their orders without question. And in a way, I was… I couldn’t face trauma like that for so long and come out unscathed. I never knew about a world outside the walls of that compound, and I had nearly forgotten about the hope that I once had.”

 

Shinji blinks twice as a memory of emerald waters and a sunset sky washes over him like a cool wave. “You… how did you…?” He manages, his voice rough, as he raises a hand to rest in Kaworu’s hair.

 

“I… did nothing. I couldn’t try to rebel against my masters, even after all they had put me through. I simply did not have the will to, at the time. They made me put on a fake mask of indifference, made me deceive and lie to bring their cause to its eventual peak… because, I was nothing more than a tool to them. A living, breathing weapon that needed to be controlled and manipulated to its master’s wills. In a way, I feel that they were more afraid of me than I was of them.

 

“That doesn’t change the fact that I was still… a person,” Kaworu shifts his head to rest his chin on Shinji’s chest, staring at the adjacent wall. “When they let me out, I obeyed their rules without question. They took me here and left me with a countdown until the final days of humankind, and… that was it. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I tried to push myself to act human. I slept and ate for the first time in months, stood in the sun just to feel it on my skin, listened to music for the first time in this life, and… I cried, with a feeling that wasn’t sadness or fear. I felt like- like I was a person, for the first time in this pointless life of suffering and fear, I felt  _ alive _ . Even if I was doing all that SEELE wanted, I was a living, breathing thing with emotions and desires that I could fulfill, if only for that short window of time.”

 

The hand in his hair begins to shake as Shinji remembers- remembers the warmth and wholesomeness of his smile, the softness of his gaze, the touch of a smooth set of lips to his forehead before Kaworu left him, the betrayal, and…

 

“When I met you, that all changed, because I realized that I didn’t need to follow them anymore. You gave me so much hope, so  _ much _ , because I realized that not every human wanted to use me, that not everything that I had to do had to be for the benefit of someone else. I finally, finally found, after fourteen torturous years of this life, the freedom to choose, and… in the end, I chose my own future.”

 

“That…” Shinji mumbles as he looks at the ceiling, taking slow, calculated breaths, “… that doesn’t explain why you still went to Terminal Dogma.”

 

Kaworu closes his eyes, tilting his head to press an ear over Shinji’s heart. “Wounds don’t heal overnight…” He reaches out to clasp Shinji’s other hand in his own, not minding his sweaty palm. “In truth, I… I didn’t want to suffer any longer. I trusted you, deeply and completely, and I knew that in your Eva, you could kill me. What I decided, in the instant I knew that I was born to meet you, was that I wanted to die by your hand. I entered Terminal Dogma knowing that I was about to die, and I let you catch me, but…”

 

Kaworu slowly sits up, letting Shinji’s hand slide down to his shoulder as his eyes dim, looking out the window of their bedroom with the light of the moon reflecting from his skin. “You gave me mercy. Showed me compassion and spared my life, even when you knew that the world wanted me dead. You stood against them and protected me, when you barely even knew me, and I truly figured everything out after that. Because, life isn’t just living for yourself, or living for others, it’s… both. A perfectly imperfect mixture of selfishness and selflessness. ‘Much like the Lilin,’ I’d say.” He laughs softly, wiping his eyes as he bows his head, hair falling over his eyes as his smile slowly fades. “I… had a dream, last night. About my past. About… that’s why I…”

 

Shinji could tell that he was falling back into that panicked state as he feels his heartbeat pick up, breaths sharpening as he squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head as he tries to focus on something else. Shinji runs his hand over the back of his neck, coming up to rest his face against his shoulder as he shushes him, kissing over his skin as he finally feels Kaworu relax in his arms, the panic that he had begun to work himself into falling away to leave him drowsy and silent.

 

With great care, Shinji manages to lie them both back onto the mattress without jostling Kaworu too much, his head resting back against the pillow as the other’s sits on his chest, sweat-soaked grey hair fanning out over his skin. Though they were drooping, his red eyes look up to Shinji’s one more time before he falls asleep.

 

“… Love you…”

 

Shinji smiles back down at him, running a hand over the ridges of his spine as he tilts his head to the side. “I love you too, Kaworu…”

 

Kaworu lets the weak look of adoration cross his face before he falls asleep, letting Shinji watch over him as he fades back into the safety of the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Watch out for (maybe) a second chapter? Which will be much more tame. Sorry.


End file.
